First Hours of Forever

It’s the kind of deep sorrow
….That leaves just BLACK
Where there should be tomorrow

And it’s the kind of harrowing pain
….That leaves a burning HOLE
Where there should be a stain…

It’s not just cold at night
And when it starts to get dark
I wonder if I’m still breathing…
All of these long
first hours of forever
stop coming.
These strangling waves of time
are more than unkind.
They’re pure torture.
I thought “You’re alive!”
But then I woke up –
and it wasn’t even a dream
it was just a thought I had
in between
asleep and awake…
A very tiny break from
the never-ending-ness of it-
the foreverness of it…
the absolute certainty of it.
Dead. Is this what it means?
It seems to be a team of minutes that bully the center of my soul…
Taunting and haunting the halls of my memory…
Forcing me to ask myself over & over
“How can this be?”
“How can this be?”
“Where are you?”

It’s the kind of insanity
…that leaves no TRACKS

It’s the sort of MADNESS
that expects him to come back.

Pick up the phone….
Please don’t leave me here alone.
Walk through the door…
Like you always have before…
Like you always have before…

Photo Credit: © Elizabeth Regen All Rights Reserved

  1. I just lost my dad last week, your uncle your favorite uncle. You lost your dad 3 months ago and he was my favorite uncle. I am having a hard time and it hasn’t set in yet because I got to call him and hear his voice to hear his laugh for him to say “what’s up Stevie boy” and for me to say dad what’s going on with these Yankees or dad these Knicks suck. He would say give them time they will be fine. Hanging out listening to music for hours and hours just talking about life and all the good things. Telling me it’s one day at a time that nothing is easy but to make sure you laugh make sure you enjoy each day. He would say be thankful for what you have because it’s a lot more then a lot of other people. He would say you know your chances are a lot greater then mine to wake up in the morning and then laugh. I feel like a part of me is gone forever. I love you dad John

  2. What an awesome poem, Elizabeth. You write so beautifully, I feel like I’m feeling right along with you.
    I hope that putting your words down on paper will eventually ease your pain. And what a tribute to your father.
    Keep on writing!
    xoxo Lisa

  3. Gutwrenching. I’m so sorry about your dad, Elizabeth. My dad’s been gone almost 16 years now, and some days, it still hurts like crazy. Over time, though, I’ve made peace with the loss and hope you will as well.

  4. Oh the pain of this poem is heartbreaking, but so beautiful. The idea that your soul is being bullied by time is powerful.. I love to see you writing about it. Using it as fuel.

  5. Beautiful Elizabeth. I can feel you in your words. You just tear the bandaid right off your sorrow. I feel it in my heart as my mother passed 3/19/16 and I’m still wracked every now & then. I feel fine and then that incredible heart rubbing, loss of breath and it’s fresh again.
    You will go on, you have Reign & Raegan to raise and your hubby to grow old with.
    God bless you everyday and sunny rainbows.
    Love Lisa

  6. Elizabeth this is absolutely beautiful. I can feel your pain and sorrow in your words and my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Everyday I think about loved ones I lost years and years ago. It never goes away, but it definitely gets easier!

  7. Elizabeth, this is sorrowfully beautiful. You expressed feelings exactly how I felt when my (best friend) father died. My grief wracked my soul and there is still not a day I don’t miss him. Although the painful grief, in time, has turned into sweet memories and I’m no longer sad–but thankful I had such an incredible father. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. xD.

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