Letter to My Frozen Embryos

I’m sorry I left you
there waiting
in suspended animation
your crystal cradles
safely ensconced
(or so I pray)
in stainless steel
under blankets
of liquid nitrogen
2 XY + 3 double-X
I tallied your perfect
chromosomes 46
times just to be sure
We lost so many others
before Day 7
from 16 to 2, 10 to 3

I cried myself to sleep
worrying about you
all alone
in laboratory incubators
I daydreamed
I called the techs
half mad
asked them to sing
you lullabies + tell you
you were wanted
(just not yet)

I’m sorry
but I promise
mama has her reasons
Or maybe all that
really matters is this:
I’m not ready.
And if you should someday
come into this world
I hope you will be
promised the same
choice

Still, it is so hard to wait
to hold your tiny
hands-to-be
I press my fingertips
into my eyes
to stop up my wondering
Do you have your dada’s
ecstatic elastic smile under
my rabbitwrinkle nose?

This is the kind
of cringe
breeder logic
I would’ve laughed
at in my youth
Now I am older
I cannot help but
marvel at your
eldritch magic

Inject myself with
eye of newt
+ toe of frog
hey presto
A whole new life
Or at least
possibility

Ineffable admixture
impossible to unwind
him + me + something
all your own

If you are born
someday I promise
to sing you lullabies

tell you bedtime stories
made of love + science