My stomach ties itself in knots.
I spend ages sitting in the bathroom as I empty every worry, fear and stress I have accumulated
And then I go back downstairs and fill up on some more.
It’s flight or fight and I have chosen the in-between
Because the flights are grounded and dreams are put on pause for now
And fighting is for other people.
We live from day to day, hour by hour
Waiting for the big one
The wave that will knock us all down, the one we will all feel
Except it is silent, invisible and random.
Not like our grandparents who could hear and see the enemy even if it was only the low hum in the sky.
This time men and women will go out and men and women will not come back and there is no country to bomb to even the score.
The dead will only be counted if their toe-tag fits the government approved message.
The clapping won’t save you and the men and women in blue bin bags and paper masks will still die.
The final toll will only be after it is too late to notice what we have lost
And that what we have lost we were all complicit in losing.
My stomach ties itself in knots again.
I sit in the bathroom as I empty every worry, fear and stress I have accumulated.
My dreams also take a tumble and I am not sure I will ever get them back to where they were
And the ‘next time’s’ and ‘there’ll always be time’ now become something precious that I was reckless with and didn’t fully understand.
So I go back downstairs and make more promises to myself.
Photo Credit: The National Guard Flickr via Compfight cc
Emily Algar
Emily Frances Algar is a journalist and writer. She has experience in the music industry working as the A&R on the Grammy Nominated Album (Best Folk Album) Front Porch by artist Joy Williams. Emily has been published in a number of print and digital publications including Atwood Magazine, American Songwriter, and Record Collector magazine. She specializes in both long and short-form features as well as interviews and reviews. She has written pieces ranging from the commercialization of feminism and feminism in popular culture, critiques surrounding freedom of speech and the #MeToo movement as well as recently interviewing refugees from Iran. Emily has a Masters in International Security from Oxford Brookes University. Her thesis looked at the extent to which the media shaped public opinion during the Vietnam and Iraq (2003) wars.
