Living in the Dark

I tend to not sleep well these days. I’d complain but the night is my friend. I like it when the sun sets, it’s giving passage to the day that may or may not have been a good one. Regardless of the outcome of the day, the night I welcome, the darkness and stillness.

Darkness, the lack of light, but in some ways more depth and wonder than the brightness of the day. My eyesight is terrible but I still look up into the pitch black of the night looking for stars, hard to see in the city, it’s really not that dark. I read recently that LA is very low on a darkness scale for seeing the stars. It’s very sad that my darkness is really too light for any deep sky viewing.

I guess that is why I’m not afraid of the dark; it’s a fake dark. There is a slight glow around objects that can be seen in the sky, in the distance, it’s murky, but it’s not really darkness, the way I thought of darkness as a kid.

I love the color black, it’s not scary, it’s deep with unseen mystery lurking just behind a nook or cranny that is not visible at first. Perfect for someone like me who feels invisible most of the time. I’m the plus one, the other person, the wife, the mom, the nameless one. I’m the shadow in the dark. You know I’m there, but no need to call me by name.

My aunt told me  (and many other people said the same) that I don’t exist. If I don’t exist how come she had to tell me? The scary part is, part of me believed her, I stopped and thought in the dark reaches of my brain, am I really here? Did I just imagine my whole life?

I guess when you have family, and that is a stretch of the word, that tells you that you are nothing, that tells you that you are not really here, the dark night becomes your friend. You can hide in the shadows and know that you’re not alone, that there is more in this universe that can’t be seen.

That is why I like the night sky, the stars are there, a faint twinkle of light, but they are there regardless of what you want to believe, like me.

I am here and my aunt can go fuck herself.

Photo:©Julie Anderson All Rights Reserved

Categories: Emotional Health

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B. Janine Morison

Janine holds a BA cum laude in History from USC, a Professional Certificate in Feature Film Writing from UCLAx, earned with distinction, and an AA with honors in physical science/geology from Pasadena City College. She wrote a bi-weekly newspaper column called "Cyber Culture" about the Internet and culture. Janine worked in radio as a daily on-air announcer in San Francisco and a stringer for ABC radio, interviewing Major League Baseball players and managers. She has extensive journalism skills and wrote PSA’s and commercials for radio and appeared in an Air France print ad with Gene Kelly. Janine has worked in all areas of film/TV production. Along with her love of film/TV/music, Janine has a passion for science and interviewed Nobel Prize winner, Richard Feynman just prior to his death. Fascinated with technology, Janine worked at NASA/JPL as a computer tech for two unmanned spacecraft missions and a military war games simulation project. Recently, Janine completed a feature film action adventure script, Stormstoppers and developed a documentary about Keith Moon, drummer for “The Who.”

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