I tend to not sleep well these days. I’d complain but the night is my friend. I like it when the sun sets, it’s giving passage to the day that may or may not have been a good one. Regardless of the outcome of the day, the night I welcome, the darkness and stillness.
Darkness, the lack of light, but in some ways more depth and wonder than the brightness of the day. My eyesight is terrible but I still look up into the pitch black of the night looking for stars, hard to see in the city, it’s really not that dark. I read recently that LA is very low on a darkness scale for seeing the stars. It’s very sad that my darkness is really too light for any deep sky viewing.
I guess that is why I’m not afraid of the dark; it’s a fake dark. There is a slight glow around objects that can be seen in the sky, in the distance, it’s murky, but it’s not really darkness, the way I thought of darkness as a kid.
I love the color black, it’s not scary, it’s deep with unseen mystery lurking just behind a nook or cranny that is not visible at first. Perfect for someone like me who feels invisible most of the time. I’m the plus one, the other person, the wife, the mom, the nameless one. I’m the shadow in the dark. You know I’m there, but no need to call me by name.
My aunt told me (and many other people said the same) that I don’t exist. If I don’t exist how come she had to tell me? The scary part is, part of me believed her, I stopped and thought in the dark reaches of my brain, am I really here? Did I just imagine my whole life?
I guess when you have family, and that is a stretch of the word, that tells you that you are nothing, that tells you that you are not really here, the dark night becomes your friend. You can hide in the shadows and know that you’re not alone, that there is more in this universe that can’t be seen.
That is why I like the night sky, the stars are there, a faint twinkle of light, but they are there regardless of what you want to believe, like me.
I am here and my aunt can go fuck herself.
Photo:©Julie Anderson All Rights Reserved