Shutting Down Because My Lover Shut Me Out

Sometimes I don’t want to deal with my life. It hurts too much.

He doesn’t see me. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to speak, see, feel, love, hate, be, eat, see, feel, touch or taste the way my feelings are. I am shutting down from you, and I’m inside a cocoon. I don’t want you to see me.

I refuse to talk because the words taste like knives and I can feel your tongue in my mouth, only it’s her mouth now, and I’m irrelevant. I don’t exist, and it’s not fair.

What did I do wrong? Probably nothing, but I feel like I don’t matter. And I don’t matter to you, but I matter to me. That’s what’s important anyway. If you can’t tell me you want me, I don’t want to see your face anymore. Because when I see you I want to touch you, feel you, taste you, feel you inside me.

It’s too much for me to comprehend that you chose another over me. I don’t want to know anything about it, I want to be inside this sleeping bag, and I don’t want you to find me.

Only I do want you to find me, and I’ll be here waiting for you in this dark room. When you come here, you’ll lecture me on the importance of talking. But you never fucking talk to me. I don’t understand how you have the right to tell me to speak to you. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right, and you call her every day, when you didn’t, couldn’t do that for me. You kiss her mouth when you wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence, and that isn’t what I want.

What do I want? I want you, and that never stopped, never ceased, never changed.

Never, never, never isn’t a promise. It’s a word that puts the nail in the coffin. It’s five letters that I want to throw out the window in exchange for your hand. I just want you to reach out and grab my hand. I want you to touch me and tell me what to do. I don’t want to do for myself. Take care of me, touch my face softly, tell me everything is going to be okay, and that you love me even if it’s a blatant lie.

Fucking lie to me.

As long as I can hear your voice, I’ll listen, and my heart will sing to you. If you will just listen, my heart wants to tell you something extremely important. Please don’t cover your ears and your heart.

Don’t give up on me; I never gave up on you.

There’s that word never again. Is it that we are never going to be with one another again? I don’t want that babe. I want you to feel me, taste me, touch me, and tell me that I am yours again.

Photo Credit: Natalia Medd Flickr via Compfight cc



Sarah Fader

Sarah Fader is the CEO and Founder of Stigma Fighters, a non-profit organization that encourages individuals with mental illness to share their personal stories. She has been featured in The NY Times, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, Quartz, Psychology Today, The Huffington Post, HuffPost Live, and Good Day New York. www.sarahfader.com Sarah is a native New Yorker who enjoys naps, talking to strangers, and caring for her two small humans and two average-sized cats. Like six million other Americans, Sarah lives with panic disorder. Through Stigma Fighters, Sarah hopes to change the world, one mental health stigma at a time.

One thought on “Shutting Down Because My Lover Shut Me Out

  1. Dori OwenDori Owen Reply

    Oh, Sarah, this is so raw and so heart felt, I grew teary reading it because I’ve been in this hell hole purgatory. Push pull. Wish hate. Knowing that what you want might never be. Watching the one you love watch another. You have written the angst so perfectly. Write on, girl, Feminine Collective needs your important voice. Much love…xoD.

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