A Letter To My Recently Separated Friend

We spoke this morning. You wept tears of confusion, hurt, and fear.

I want you to know: I AM HERE. I may not have the answers, but I will always have the desire to listen; a shoulder to lean on, an open heart to feel your pain. I am your friend.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

You are terrified because you feel responsible. Because you think you’ll be alone. Forever.

Remember, it took two to get you to that dark place—and you once believed he was your “forever.” Only you can see where you want to go now.
Be cautious.

Drive safe. Ask directions when you feel lost. Be the tortoise, not the hare, and I promise, you will get there.

Unfortunately, you are not alone.
Divorce is all too common.
Fortunately, you are not alone.
Divorce is all too common.

You asked for my advice:

Don’t engage with the negativity.
Don’t engage with the negativity.
Don’t engage with the negativity.

Embrace the power of positivity—no matter how pissed you are. You won’t get what you think you deserve, but that’s why you filed in the first place, right? You have to let that go.

Things aren’t so different immediately after the separation; they are just spoken with the volume turned way up. It wasn’t better on mute, just quieter.

Screaming is screaming. Even when nobody can hear you. That will go away. Calm the voice in your head with reason, logic, and authority.

When it’s all too much, and you want to block out the warmth from the sun; when you want to absorb the coldness of loneliness you are sure is going to consume the rest of your days, open the shutters. Lie on the beach. Take a hot bath.

Hug your kids.
They need it. More so now. You may not see the immediate benefit, but your hugs are helping your children. Trust me. Choose to be strong, so they don’t have to be. Find a way to make their joy your mantra. Your children will circle back to you. If you ignore their pain, they will ignore yours. Love and they will love in return.

Live again…because life is worth living.

Because the new woman in his life wouldn’t post threats if she wasn’t threatened by you in the first place.

Ignore her. And him. Because you have a daughter and she is learning from you. What would you want her to do in the same situation?

Don’t feed the tiger in them. Feed the tiger in you.

YOU are powerful, just being you.
Teach your daughter that, and you will give her the gift of a lifetime.

Get control:

Of your emotions, your words, your texts, your health, your schedule, your expenses, your life.
Make a plan. This may be the hardest endeavor; the most important step to survival you ever take. Do it. It’s worth it.

Hearing you say you were so glad that you called me, gave me the hope you are ready to embark on a life of being a whole new you. “Ready” means everything.

If you don’t seek it, you’ll never find it. Only then, can you move on—to a place where possibility resides. Why put that off when you don’t have to, anymore?

LOVE YOU, my friend. And, I understand.

Photo Credit: Fire At Will [Photography] Flickr via Compfight cc


Renee DeMont

Renee DeMont is a SURVIVOR. She was born into poverty; spent much of her childhood homeless, living on the streets of Los Angeles, and in foster care. Renee learned early on: life is about adapting to adversity. The greatest gift she ever received? No one expected anything from her. By 18, she was ready to experience life on her own terms. First one in her family to attend college. After college, her focus and determination earned her a spot working at Paramount Studios, on the #1 show in television, "Cheers". At 29, Renee gave entrepreneurship a go and began a Biomedical engineering business out of her garage. Twenty years later, that risky venture grew into 8,000 square feet of success. She broke the cycle of poverty that plagued her family for generations. Recently, Renee turned fifty, filed for divorce (he declared WAR), and trudged through a debilitating nervous breakdown. Through therapy and writing, she reclaimed her sanity. Sold her half of the business to the ex, and now she has clarity and choices. Renee is personally and financially independent. With her new found freedom, she chooses to write in a sincere effort to reconcile her past with her present. Hopefully, through this cathartic process, the second half of her life will be led by her soul's desire, rather than by the fears and doubts of her first half. Currently, she lives in South Orange County with her teenage son and daughter, and her high maintenance yet lovable dog, Joe. Soon to be an empty nester, she plans to downsize the big house in the OC bubble, for a bigger life in the real world. Her days are spent gently launching her almost grown children into adulthood, and passionately penning her memoir. In the mean time, you can find her essays on pain, positivity, and empowerment at: onedropofgrace.blogspot.com

4 thoughts on “A Letter To My Recently Separated Friend

  1. SA Smith Reply

    Great advice, Renee. I can only imagine how scary those first few steps on your own would be. But after a few thousand steps, making your own decisions, spreading those newly found wings again, I can imagine how impowering it all would be. Powerful article.

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