Because Of This…. (Rape and Invisible Illness)

This entry is part 1 of 5 in the series: But You Don't Look Sick! Life With An Invisible Illness


adjective: unable to be seen; not visible to the eye


noun: a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind

Invisible illness comes in many forms, in many symptoms, and attacks each person differently. It can be a physical or mental illness, or both. There is no one type of invisible illness. Today we are going to introduce you to a strong woman who has been through things some of us can’t even imagine.  Unfortunately, what she has gone through happens to other people in this world on a daily basis.

Did you know that one in four women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime? One in Four – that  boils down to 1.3 women are being raped in this country per minute…PER MINUTE.

That’s an insane statistic, one that we should be ashamed is happening in our modern world!

As you’ve read these last few sentences no less than three rapes have occurred, those are the ones that have been reported.

That number doesn’t take into account the sexual assaults that have been kept secret because the victims are made to feel like liars, or are shamed into silence.

This is the world we live in, and in this world invisible illness is king.

Today we are going to hear from one brave woman who has survived the unthinkable.

 With that said, let me introduce this week’s Voice of Invisible Illness:

Jill Udart: Invisible Illness- Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder

I was sexually molested when I was just eight years old by my first step-father.  My mother did not believe me. I never told anyone until I was thirty-one after he had died.

My toxic narcissist mother programmed me to feel worthless and to be afraid of everything.

Because of this, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder.
I am on meds now, so I can control these feelings on the outside, but they still haunt my insides, my mind, and my soul.

Because of this, I never had any children. It was my choice not to spread my mother’s gene pool any further.

I think I started menopause 10 years early because I never had children. I used to be a cigarette smoker. I cannot maintain healthy relationships.  I’ve fallen in love three times, the men were all the same: they didn’t finish high school, they were unemployed and lastly, they were alcoholics.

It was the typical “I want to fix them” story.

I do not experience happiness or joy the way I should.  I just maintain one level emotion: medium.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I lived 8 states away and could not afford to see her one last time. I called her sobbing to tell her that I loved her very much and that I would miss her terribly.

Her response was:

“You’ve kept me out of your life for so long, why should this be any different?”

I was speechless.

She didn’t say she loved me

She didn’t say she would miss me.

I was crushed.

When she died, I found out that she had disinherited me in her last will and testament.  She left everything to my older brother – her Golden Child – who is unemployed, lived with her and has been an alcoholic for 30+ years.  My brother inherited a paid off house in Florida, a brand new paid off car and her $10,000 dollar diamond ring that I was supposed to receive.

My mother managed to hurt me one last time – from the grave.

I am alone now and do not foresee finding anyone to spend the rest of my life with. Why would anyone want someone as broken as me?

I may be alone, but I am not lonely because I have perfected my alone time since childhood.

It’s just me, and my invisible illness.

Series NavigationWhy Me? My Life in Pain Coping With CRPS >>
SA Smith

SA Smith has always loved the magical life. She is the bestselling Amazon author of FOREVER, her four part young adult paranormal romance series. She is an advocate for women of all shapes and sizes. Believing that we are all enough just as we are, and needing to spread that word far and wide. Having been diagnosed with CRPS over 12 years ago, SA also uses her writing to increase social awareness of the disease. Writing is her passion. She often tells friends that writing is a journey for her. It’s like spending time with friends. "I just follow my characters along on their adventures, like a fly on the wall, and see where they take me." SA currently lives in Florida with her best friend/husband and their one son.

7 thoughts on “Because Of This…. (Rape and Invisible Illness)

  1. Jennifer Robinson

    Jill Udart- Thanks for telling your story. I was abused as a child, have a narcissistic mother also, and developed Clinical Depression by age 15. Later I became sick with all kinds of chronic, physical illnesses, and then also Schizoaffective Disorder. While psychotic with Schizoaffective Disorder, and too out of my mind to defend myself or look out for my own well-being, I was sexually assaulted three times, and no one in my family cared when I finally told them about it this past December, years after it happened. Their response was to say: Nothing. I have no support system from my family and few friends because I never learned how to love myself or to believe anyone could like me. My single, only long-term boyfriend was a drug addict who was emotionally abusive, and like yours, did not even have a high school education (he dropped out in like 9th grade). I am an intelligent person. This year I was finally set to finish my BA at age 41, but became so ill, I had to do another medical withdrawal, which was devastating. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are a brave, strong survivor, and don’t ever let anyone make you feel that you should keep silent. As Audre Lorde said, “Your silence will not protect you.” I feel personally, that the issue of women with mental illnesses being sexually abused and assaulted has not been addressed widely enough, and it is very, very common. Take care, brave one.

  2. Jackie CioffaJackie Cioffa

    Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. In doing so, you give us hope that you are beginning the healing process. It takes tremendous courage to bare one’s soul. I wish you joy and peace of mind.

    Thank you, Sherri for the powerful series.

  3. SA Smith

    Agreed! It’s a hard story to tell but one many can relate to. Spreading a little light on the subject helps to make others feel more comfortable about doing the same. Thank you Jill, for sharing with my column. <3

  4. Nicole Lyons

    This broke my heart, and I wish I could undo what has been done. Thank you for sharing Jill’s story, Sherri. I wish her peace and love and healing. Her words will help many.

    This series is amazing Sherri, thank you for it.

    Much love

  5. doriowendoriowen

    Jill Udart is one brave and admirable person to share her story. These powerful words really can influence others to feel they are not alone with their illnesses. I have bipolar and anxiety disorders and completely related to everything Jill said. I really loved what she wrote and I know it will offer encouragement to others. We must share our stories! xo to Jill ❤️Dori

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