My Misunderstood Vagina

This is the story of how my life changed when I discovered that my vagina is an entity unto itself. My personal experiences have lead me to believe that it can be dangerous to be a woman. Welcome to my version of The Vagina Monologues. Everyone has the journey of a lifetime trying to understand their sense of “self.”

My personal journey has been one hell of an adventure. My vagina has certainly been an unappreciated yet fearless accomplice along the way.

Truth be told, my takeaway is that when you don’t understand what to do with, or how to control what others want to do with your vagina, you most likely will be rendered helpless and totally confused. At least that was the case for me. Notice I said “was.”

Summer 1976
Dear Vagina,

I am only six years old but today was the first day that I noticed you. Thanks to Billy my little friend and our game of “show me yours and I will show you mine”  I now know that you are here. It is hard to see you. Why do you have to hide in the dark?

I am looking for you.

Autumn 1981
Dear Vagina,

Did you have to make my entry into womanhood a public affair?  Why didn’t you give me any warning?  Do you know how embarrassed I am that this announcement happened TODAY in MATH Class? Mr. Delrosa did not know what to do with me, I mean come on, I did not know what to do. I just sat there in the pool of disgusting, wishing I would die.  How did I make it through the day in my soiled clothes?  How did I make it home for that matter?  I am only 11 years old! What kind of curse is this?

I hate you.

Spring 1986
Dear Vagina,

Even I know that taking something that is not yours is wrong. Why didn’t he know?  Why was he so aggressive?  I am in shock. I am in pain. I am so ashamed. No one will believe me.  I know they will say it was my fault. I am only 16.

I wish you were never born.

Just die already.

July 1987
Dear Vagina,

That good looking police officer stopped by the record store today – again.  I think he likes me. God is he cute!  Of course, I understand that at 30 years old he is more sophisticated than I am at 17.  He wants to get to know me. He keeps asking about you, and if we have any fantasies. I don’t know what to say. I have not thought about you since that day last year. I felt excited and creeped out at the same time. I believe that what he is saying, and what he wants to do might be illegal. My boss at the record store told me not worry; she said he is a good guy and a regular customer. What should I do?

Girls just want to have fun – don’t they?

I am shaking.

October 1987
Dear Vagina,

Don’t you think living in Chicago is just way too cold for us?  I don’t know yet how we will survive, but I have hope that things will turn out well. We are together, in a great city and invitations are coming our way!  What do you think about that professional football player?  Being picked up in his limo was cool. I must say that going to excellent restaurants is awesome. But you know what vagina?  He wants to meet you. I don’t feel great about this because well, #1, he is married, number and #2, let’s not forget the fact that he is well over 30. Dating someone who is that old when you are not yet 18 is gross. Famous or not, this just does not feel right.  What should we do?

Here I go again on my own – I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

Yours, in doubt.

February 1989
Dear Vagina,

More propositions are being made. It seems that you are hot property.  I still don’t know what you look like though. I am scared to look. Thank goodness you have hair, that helps me deal with you being here.   Seriously, it pisses me off that everyone wants to meet you, and they could give a shit about me. I am 19 years old now, don’t you think it is time for you to explain your motives?

I am frustrated with you.


Sometime 1993
Dear Vagina,

My new roommate told me today that her vagina can perform shooting orgasms. Apparently, they are quite something.  I can not imagine you doing anything of the sort. We have been together now for 23 years, and we don’t talk, we don’t hang out. I have no idea what you look like, and I still don’t trust you.  What the hell is an orgasm anyway?

It is hot in the city, yet I am cold inside.

NYC 1994
Dear Vagina,

You have opened many doors for me, my friend.  Someone told me today that your power is  “the power of the pussy.”   That is funny to me when they said that I thought of my cat back home. So you are a furry cat.  I am told that you should purr.  Whatever.  I still don’t like you.  At all.  You have brought nothing but shame and misfortune into my life. Okay, fine … we have met some interesting people, but like I said before, they only want to know about you. I am over it.  We are just going to stay in from now on. Too many creeps with strange ideas. Today on the Metro the man that was helping me navigate the lines tried to force me to let him touch you.   Good thing that my screams scared him away. What a pervert.  If I were not 24, I would just go home to my mother. Paris is for shitheads.

C’est la vie.

Italy 1995
Dear Vagina-

My friend that enjoys squirting orgasms insists that I try masturbation. She says that it is the only way I will fully get to know and love you. We went to one of those adult toy stores the other day, and she helped me pick out one mean looking purple vibrating machine. Insisting that I bring it on my trip to Italy, she threw it in my suitcase last minute. Vagina, I am just mortified now. The Italian airport security guards found the damn thing in my luggage and proceeded to pass it around. Even though they had straight faces, and insinuated that it might be a bomb or something, I know that they were overjoyed to embarrass me half to death.  After finally being cleared from customs, I tossed the damn thing in the nearest trash bin.

Forget it. You will have to masturbate yourself; I am not interested.

Orgasm addict I am not.

Summer 1997
Dear Vagina,

Okay, I will admit that you have been a good friend to me lately. How you have been able to stretch and then shrink again after childbirth is a miracle.  I can’t say that I would have been able to do that magic trick for you if the shoe was on the other foot. After catching a glimpse of you in the labor room, you know when the nurse held the mirror up to your face so that I could see baby’s little head, I wanted to vomit. Sorry, I know that not everyone can be blessed with good looks, of course, I understand that you were busy working … stressed out and stretched out. But holy crap how on earth or shall I say why the hell would anyone want to be a gynecologist? I wonder if they suffer PTSD.  I would if I had to witness what I just saw every single day.

Heart shaped box indeed … you are more like a big black cavern.

Why aren’t you pretty?

Winter 2014
Dear Vagina-

We have been together so long now. It’s just you and me against the Tampax world, isn’t it?  Can you believe that we are in our mid-40s now?  Where did the time go? Sorry, we have not spoken for a long time. Damn, I have been busy. Three kids, moving countries (plural) and dealing with life’s ups and downs have me running like a chicken with its head cut off. Love, work, family, and marriage—the movies make it seem like all of it is a glorious dream. I am grateful, but girl, I am tired!

Things are getting tough for you, I understand and can completely relate. I had no idea hormones would be such a nasty bitch.  Did you?  How on earth did  “our time of the month” that used to be one week of hell, become a nightmare that lasts for three weeks? Also, I just want to apologize. I know that you have not had as much exercise as you did in the past, I am working on it. I think I lost our libido somewhere in Australia. All the women’s mags say that this is the time of our lives that you and I will be best of friends. We are supposed to be highly motivated in the sack. We are supposed to enjoy everything about each other.  I think that the authors of those pieces must be smoking crack or something.  Either that or they are just totally lying about all of it. Whatever, Viagra, here we come.

Looking for our libido since 2009.

Photo Credit: angrylambie1 via Compfight

  1. Hi Nan-

    I am so happy that you stopped “minding your own business” and found my vagina. LOL (had to) I am so happy that your little princess is finally bringing you joy. Our relationship is still Hate/Hate.



  2. I was minding my own business over on Kim’s (My Inner Chick) latest post and checking her link led me to notice the vagina link (actually the wonderful poofy bed caught my eye first) and I thought, “Oh why not” – and am so glad I read this. I snickered, had a few bad flashbacks, agreed vehemently, and can say that my own vagina has celebrated joy for 23 years with Alpha Hubby who totally turned things around for us (smile)! Who knew??

  3. Julie,
    You had me on “Vagina.”
    SOOOOOOO many women reading this are going, “YEAhhhh. Yep. I get it.” And nodding their heads in agreement and smiling.
    When I was in a young girl, I was like, “What the hell do I do with this thing?” LOL.

  4. Oh how I thoroughly enjoyed this! Read it to my husband, too. Though I laughed out loud, in also thinking inwardly about my own vagina journey.

    Love to you, Julie. You never cease to amaze me to the moon and back.

  5. Was indeed so revolted by the idea of getting my period that I managed to create it not coming until I was 15! Never wore a “diaper” either. Stuffed my underwear with paper towels the day I got it, jumped on my bike, and road to the nearest store to buy tampons. I love whoever invented tampons…

  6. Thank you Patty!
    I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.
    You are so funny, being duped is RIGHT!

    x J

  7. Brave to reveal the real, the raw, the revolting. Reading this incredibly vulverable and passionate piece about your vagina got me to remembering some of my vaginal traumas. I will never forget how duped I felt when I discovered about the menstral cycle from my best friend in 4th grade. I wanted to die. I was a Tom boy and the idea that we would bleed and need to wear a “diaper” for a week out of each month revolted me. How I wished I was a real boy…

  8. Thank you Nicole for your time. I appreciated your enthuiasm, for my verbal blurbs.
    You are funny – re the conversation from J’s vagina’s POV. !!!

    I have always hidden behind “funny.” This essay, really is not funny at all. When I think about it, or read my words I well up with tears. So many wrongs. My daughter recently told me that many of her friends have been sexually assaulted. Multiple times. It seems to be a “thing.” The trauma for many is definatly greater than my experience – if I feel this way – how do they feel? It breaks my heart. A vagina – is really a dangerous body part. Not because it is not natural, or shameful but because of how it mistreated and violated by society in general. My two cents.

    Thanks again Nicole,
    I apprecieate you.
    x J

  9. dear feminincollective …
    today more likly off, i did check online via facebook, what is going on, since i have been, in this case very passive latly …( Don`t think differently with its unexpected life situations) … passing by your posting, i did somewhat remember and was more than happy to find out that your community still is online … probably striving (??) … (sorry, European, don`t know the right wording) having then read lougingly out loud, ones again your vagina monouloges, it just got to me, that whenever you will repeatedly read, expirience or feel something, each individual must see, feel and expirience it differently each time, no matter what day and time, the moon or the sun would be standing for …

    Parellel finding out, >>> oh gosh>> that then, i did even write, therefore answer a little part of my own lifestory into your comunity, it did let me see and feel it again from it`s today individual angles … one get`s to see and picture it again, like a moviemaker … (speaking of colourfull picures in my case)

    Seeing, reading, therefore feeling it again, one must realize that it happend, it`s not now anymore … it was a part of its live of one day, hour, or possible only seconds???
    Who would have thought that this situations as small as they often have been, consume some of the most parts of ones life, keeping many people “mentally handcuffed” to change the road and look for the positiv aspects of it`s story … actually feel good about having written it to you .. since it seems to be a story probably many people have … unfortunatly keeping it inside themselves … we dont get to feel its empathie (??)
    Imagine, everybody would meet up and tell it`s story like they seemd to do at the AA meetings, while living 4 yrs in LA in the 90th. … (no, never was a customer myself) … Then, it seemed to be meeting @ Hollywood party many of @least former AA customers while living there .. everybody seemed to be in rehab… unfortunatly then, nobody seemed to deal with it`s dick & pussy-problems… lol lol lol …
    Didn`t they go @ the AA-meetings like: “high, i am ???, i do have a ??? problem … High ??? i do have the same problem” ??? e.g. …
    Society will have to learn to talk open about any problem, since – “only takling people can be helped” – … therefore, its currently imaginative moral-values could be going overboard … they holding much live enjoment back anyway … in this case are the ones preaching them – especially within the US- are the ones, sometimes dying on top of hooker … sorry therefore … (Think about it`s movie pics)

    Well guys, … just wanted to let you – hopefully many woman – know, that it`s a good thing that one @ feminin collective has the “balls or it`s pussy” to open up it`s conversation… (wich happens to be normal on many partys, after some people having to many drinks) … see above where that could lead to … 🙂 🙂 neverless, my compliment… good on you …
    Happy to know that feminin collective is still running … will be getting better each year … just as most pussys & dicks have a chance to … won`t they??? sincerly A.B. (non alkoholic)

  10. The first time I read this I actually thought, “I’d love to read a conversation from J’s vagina’s POV.” Now I don’t mean that to come off in a creepy way, I really hope it doesn’t, but could you imagine?! I wonder what the hell mine would say. Scratch that, don’t think I wanna know…

    This is a fantastic essay, Julie and I applaud your honesty.

    Love this, Julie.


  11. Alexandre,

    Wow. Your story is incredible. What a story it is! I can “see” you in all of those situations, and knowing you like I do, I can “hear” your inner dialogue!
    “Itching willy” … Indeed!
    THANK YOU for taking the time to write about your life. Your journey has been a tough one me friend. Not many would have survived and thrived like you have. You are an inspiration for all.

    I love you.

  12. Dear Julie … Only feminine collective could be erloud to learn of my vagina expiriences … 🙂 🙂

    being about 16 yrs old, i met @ church a nice young and beautiful girl … not having a childhood life , one would want to dream of, i really did think that she was cute and made me smile …. we did write love letters … (still have them all) only one time, it must have been equal to a full moon night, my mother would give me the time of 3,5 hrs midday, to get to meet up and see her … which was 1,5 hours her way, and 1,5 hours the way back to be on time back home, which neverless was filled with fear of her known broomstick, or anything else that was around … (not followed mothers time-orders) …
    Getting finally to the girl’s place, we sat beside each other, while she was whispering into my ear, that she loved me and was ready to do it …. to do what ??? i asked …. what do you mean by the words “i love you” … don’t worry, i did it before …. i am experienced … (it made me feel like an idiot already) … time was over …had to go back home … didn’t want to feel the broomstick (again) …
    hardly ever got to see the girl again … except sometimes @ church …

    Being 17,5 yrs old, i was about to graduate as a hairdresser … trying to become better than anyone else, I asked for support of an already finished hairdresser ..about 2 years my senior … she did have a boyfriend, who was just @ his military time, and gosh was he handsome looking … we did get to stay on a sunday afternoon @ his apartment, to learn our duties for examination … as i started to talk about my unhappy childhood and how life seemed to be hard, the girl moved over and started kissing and fondling me … we ended up on the carpet … guess what happened …. i only remember her red coloured face, when her boyfriend came unexpected early … he was kind … he just said; “please leave now” … which i did …
    they where separated from then on … (still asking myself why) 🙂 …

    Working as a hairdresser, I became well known for doing the Tina Turner hairstyles the best … (exploded, fluffy, rotten looking perm style …)
    The longer i worked there, the more i became the hairdresser of the rich and famous, but also the exclusive and not so exclusive hookers, prostitutes and personal service lady’s … they often arrived, and were picked up by their pimps, which i adored, since I believed that this was pure success if you were able to look like them … suntanned, golden Rolex, cowboy boots with jogging pants e.g. … we all know how they looked in Ibiza styles in those days …

    one of the private service ladies i would see often in the discothek it was every evening … we would meet and great, since i was her hairdresser we would always talk about her hair, how to make it even bigger, blonder e.g. e.g. e.g. …
    i started doing hair also @ my home, (parellel income) … she insisted that she wanted to be the last customer of the day … i finished her off, and she told me that she likes me a lot and wants me to “Bleep” her … after finishing that, she handed me money and told me, that i would need it, she would want me to make a drivers licence, so we could save for a big Mercedes (Car) … she would work hard and pay for it, so i could become her pimp …

    one week later my willy was itching, like there was no tomorrow …

    a little later, i wanted to become a designer, not only for hair, but also for clothes … (Still have the pics of the show) … so i needed somebody that would do the sawing, for me … i was recommended, a girl, that was about my age … typical nice and sweet neigborhood girl that also wanted to become a hairdresser … being all exited about the collection – more than cheap fabrics – to be honest it was the potatosacks of my uncle’s farming – we decided how to “bling bling” them very both e.g. …

    while she was living outside my hometown, she would wanted to stay over night … literally every weekend … i agreed and did want to host her, since i thought it’s better for her … she, anyway is safe with me …

    my hetero (disko-)friends told me, that i was stupid, because a girl that age would not only want to stay … she is there to be bleeped, e.g …
    coming home from the clubs … we did go to bed …slept … but in the morning it was like, it can be on a sunday morning … i thought of the words of my friends … it happened, without talking about it …
    4 weeks later we found out that she was pregnant … not knowing nothing about love, sex and pussy …. life made a big turn .

    therefore i believe more than ever that we must teach the younger generations, what it means to be connected with your body … What love has to do without sex and vice versa …. that one needs to understand its needs, possibility and risks … we are all growing up way too fast … but shock situations are the least leading ones, for a future lifestyle …

    To this day i am grateful to all i have encountered and met with. woman … i seem to have decided to love them with my heart … let others take care of their p….
    it is my story … pls understand its personal situation … if i can help only one soul, it would make happy …
    sincerly … A.B.

  13. Alexandre ..

    Thank you for your wise commentary on this post. Thank you for you compliment re Feminine Collective, and the style of my post. My Vagina has ALWAYS troubled me. It has a mind of its own. Please Alexandre, why not send in YOUR story? x

  14. Having a day of, i liked to search the FB-net, for whats going on within the comunity … having a “german” blizzard on our own …. beeing gay, seems to have helped me troughout life, to understand woman on a more sensitive way, than lots of man in the past … i 100% think that future boys, will be better, and more aknowledged man … (“Soft skill” technique)
    What a great way of putting ones tought into words of writing, talking of bodyly parts, many people, do have (problems) of understanding …
    Nobody ever told me about it, where, what and why, we have to check and seek before its information … if each, man und woman that reads this great piece of honesty, would wright about there own expirience, we would be (crack)ing up, by each story that would be set free …
    Same time, we all would realize how much needs to be learned, to understand … therefore i think Feminine Collective is doing a great job in putting the unspoken out, so future generations can possible find a commmon information, that seems to be for many, man and woman, the same and still individual crucially different

    lets have fun and forgive our mothers, fathers, priests and schooltechers, that have forgotten themselves about their adult expirienes … (sorry for my imperfect english) ….

  15. No, YOU are funny. And quite brave. Women like you deserve a few medals. Keep up the good work & happy holidays to the family.

  16. Thank you Xavier for your comment. You are funny. It would be great if we all could swap shoes for a day. I am sure that women have no idea of what it is like to be a man, with a willie that has a mind of its own!!! Agreed re the subway shithead comment… that is the underground factory! 🙂

  17. Thank you Susan for your kind words! I love your idea of starting a worldwide “conversation about vaginas.” It is unbelievable how uneducated, unprepared and clueless we are about our bodies, even in this day and age. All right, your turn … vagina says?

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