He brings me watermelon cubes in bed, in a kind act of sharing a favorite treat of his with me. I see him so clearly then for what he is: human, flawed, stormy, kind, beautiful, caring, and perfectly made for me. I notice the way I can’t look away from his face when he is near me.
Like my subconscious mind is as disbelieving as my conscious mind that he is really here, that he is really real, that those sweet words are actually coming out of his mouth – “I love you” – and are directed at me.
The circumstance around us is so heavy. I am bleeding heavily, induced by pills to shed the tiny, forming baby we made together.
We are in it, at this moment, feeling like maybe we are through it, enough where we can smile now without tears in our eyes. Enough where I can sit up now without overwhelming pain coming in waves. But no, we are not through anything. We are only just beginning.
When that life was conceived six weeks ago with him deep inside me, connected in the deepest way we are made to be, that was the beginning of something new. It was the beginning of us. That little bundle of cells growing inside me established a new energy, a new frequency exclusive to us – him, me, us three. The week of my positive drugstore pregnancy test, he and I both contemplated all the possibilities; of keeping it, of killing it, of keeping it but it dies naturally. Of it being born healthy, unhealthy.
During that week of confusion and deciding, I dreamt about that baby girl, my beautiful man – her father – and me walking through an old world market street together. I beamed with love as her daddy carried her on his shoulders. And even as she had a temper tantrum, I was filled with love and gratitude because she was part of him and part of me together. Something I never knew I ever wanted to express, and as I saw it before me there I felt every fiber of my being wanting to give him that. But it was just a dream.
And in reality what about all the doubt? The day to day stress, the crying, the nursing, the money worries. Who needs that? Babies are a life-killer like I’ve always said. Right? He and I are risk-takers, are financially volatile, and our lives are vast and changeable. What business do we have bringing a new life into this chaos?
The night before, he had held me in bed as I cried uncontrollably, feeling the instant the entity forming inside me perished. I felt so much emotion overtake me at that moment, mourning the death but also an elation at the vast new space now created that I never knew existed, an energetic plane where my partner and I are now an intact family unit. There is a ghost there where the unformed baby was – a spirit. A spirit of us bound deeply and connected through the cosmos somehow. From that unknowable place where love becomes attraction becomes connection becomes energy becomes biological matter becomes Spirit, and births a new kind of love.
Pulled from the cosmos through our bodies, encapsulated in that bundle of cells and transforming our lives and our love forever.