Releasing Her Ego Changed Her Life

Photo Credit: Eddi van W. via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Eddi van W. via Compfight cc

I used to be such a planner. Everything had to run on time, in an endless conveyor belt type manner. I would get restless when people took too long in line at the grocery store, or anywhere for that matter.

I was a hamster that constantly spun her wheels, going nowhere quickly.

Then I began listening, paying attention to when I was happiest, in flow, jiving, and joyous.

I realized through much hard work and guidance from gurus that I was letting my ego do so much of the leading, exhausting myself in the process.

I began to appreciate people who could be in their spiritual zone, marching at their pace, without a care in the world for the phallic and posturing masculine-centric pace set by society.

I was in that exact flow space recently, when I visited my friend Ashley, who I met at Esalen last summer.

She was staying with another older woman, Sydney, who was house-sitting at a luxurious beach-front property in Santa Monica.

As soon as I entered, I was introduced to the third gal, Emma. I began to relax around their warm and inviting energy, and just let the evening unfold on its own accord. I let the unfurling take place organically, relinquishing control, and letting myself ease into whatever needed to happen.

I had just driven 40 miles through Friday evening traffic in Los Angeles leaving the technical world of my job involving crunching numbers and performing calculations on airplane wing structures. I was fried mentally, physically, and emotionally from a long week.

Typically, I would require at least 30 minutes or so to decompress and come into my own. But I immediately felt the radiance of all three women. They were in the kitchen offering me an organic rice cake with pumpkin seed butter and hot tea.

With my physical needs taken care of, they resumed their sketching on a big art binder with an assortment of pastels and pens.

“Join us and make magic. Add some of you to this,” said the elder Sydney.

I started off gingerly at first, sketching in the corner with a Sharpie pen, and smearing greens with browns with my finger onto the paper. The kinesthetic feel of my fingers rubbing the pastels into the weighted paper felt amazing, and created a spark, a connection with what we were doing. I was fully present and feeling nourished physically from the rice cake and emotionally from the artwork. As we drew and sketched, the dialog that ensued was incredibly nurturing, yummy for my soul.

We discussed connection, receptivity, presence, mindfulness, gratitude, surrender, many of the same topics that so many gurus have helped me work towards the past few years. I was ready that night, able to hear the universe calling.

These women transported me into a very relaxing, comforting, and safe-feeling space. I began to open up and share, naturally telling them about my transgender history, my journey into womanhood, the work I’ve done to become self-aware. I shared in the fact that I enjoy writing, and read them a touching piece that I wrote about my parents.

Ashley said she wished she had my parents growing up. I began tearing up, and we hugged.

The rest of the gals reciprocated by sharing their art. Culminating with Sydney performing in front of us several art pieces she had drawn and narrated with poetry. She formed a story told with such passion and emotional outpour that it made me feel like I just witnessed a condensed theatrical play in seven minutes.

We were all on the same wavelength, sharing and bonding, and contributing towards an art piece whose final destination was still unknown, changing with each passing minute with the whims of our morphing emotions.

The connection, the frequency of the wave that the four of us simultaneously shared was amazing. It was as if each of us magnified the amplitude of our collective presence, supplying our individual stories and respective energies to the whole of our group. Resonating together in one, mimicking the drawing that was coming together with the four of us contributing random strokes, forming a collaborative piece of beauty by riding the same wave of creative outlet.

What a blessing, to be a part of something so special, so vibrant, so healing, so loving.

And I owe it all to being in tune with my spiritual whimsy, my spontaneity, my ability to finally let go and be in a spiritual space, in touch with my feminine heart and energy. This connection with myself added to the core group. I was able to reap an evening full of powerful gems to propel me forward in my journey … a journey that I have since realized becomes more vibrant with the more play, dance, and freedom I give it. Reflecting with accurate symbology from the artwork we created with no plan in sight, cascading as it may to where my Mother in the Sky guides me.

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Natalie Yeh

Liminal Spaces with Natalie Yeh -- aerospace engineer with a penchant for the spiritual, artistic, and cerebral -- is an attempt where she tries to accept her own messy humanity in exploring the gifts in her everyday stories and milestones with compassion, gratitude, and mindfulness. Gifts she believes we can all share and learn from when we choose to see our continuous threads of connection in our common humanity rather than uphold paper walls of illusions of separation that some treat as real. When she has free time, she loves to cook, shoot landscape photography, practice martial arts, write and dance. Her Chinese American background, bilingual upbringing, and transgender history all lend to her experiences in exploring the liminal spaces where her history, her present and her future are at odds and of a piece, creating herself and her writing as unique, cross cultural art.

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