75,000 Pound Baby Meets a Spider: My Craptastic Day

New Mexico isn’t necessarily the land of enchantment!

Those of you who really know me know that I am a HUGE arachnophobe. LIKE MAJOR! So I head out at 9:30 am in my sweet little Rav-4 and head down the interstate towards Albuquerque, about 30 minutes from my house. The desert sun was starting to really shine over the mountains so I needed to pull down my visor to see better. Remember I was driving on the interstate at 70 miles an hour (ok, hush more like 78). Pulling the visor down released two spiders, one which fell on my face and the other one fell onto the steering wheel and then jumped to the dashboard. Of course, I screamed like I was being attacked by a Chupacabra and flung the face spider across the car. The jumping happy spider danced across my windshield just out of my stubby, Velociraptor reach for the rest of the drive, stopping every so often to raise and lower his butt in a mocking manner at me.

Yes, I was paying that close of attention to him instead of the road; sue me.

I finally arrived mentally drained at the University of New Mexico Children’s Hospital in time to find out that there was construction on the closest parking structure and I would have to park about the equivalent of four blocks away in a different structure on the other side of the hospital. Again, those of you who know me know four blocks is like eight to my dwarf legs and toting around a 75,000 lb baby in my stomach did not help.

Jodi and her 75,000 pound baby bump.

So off I head to the other parking garage, which turns out has no available handicap parking. (Yes, I gave in and got myself a sticker see above mentioned 75,000 lb baby.) It also had no regular parking available on the first four levels. I end up parking on the top level all the way in the back. I get to the elevator ready to take it to the 4th floor, only to find out the elevator only goes to the ground level from here. I start thinking to myself okay so how do I get to the 4th floor. Unlike a man, I ask the person next to me. She tells me I have to go the ground floor across the plaza, into the building, across the lobby and take the elevator to the 4th floor. Simple enough. I do that and end up in a place that is not where I need to be. No baby doctors, no cute nursery things painted on the walls, no smiling happy faces. No, I am in a waiting area for the hospital filled with crying and upset families. All who look up, wipe their eyes and stare and the dwarf with the velociraptor arms and the 75,000 lb baby bump.

I back track, go back to the ground level lobby and ask another person, this time in scrubs, how to get to the ob clinic. She tells me it is in the other building on the fourth floor. All I need to do is walk up this ramp and go about 2 blocks via this building and I will see elevators that I can take to the 4th floor. *sigh* I finally make it to the correct 4th floor, covered in sweat, cramping and in agonizing shin splint pain with five minutes to spare until my appointment. If you know me, you would also know I am SUPER anal about being on time, so 5 mins early was like being 30 minutes late.

Okay, my appointment was at 10:30 … They call me back at 11:30 which means by now my shin splints have turned into numb leg syndrome from my legs hanging for an hour from sitting in the most unfriendly dwarf chair on earth. High-risk pregnancy department my ass. There should have been beds, massages and people passing out caffeine-free mocha lattes. But no, just soap operas on tv and big people chairs.

They do the routine testing; pee, weight (confirmed baby weighs 75,000 lbs) and blood pressure (mine was elevated … wonder why?) 12:20 an intern comes in to talk to me. Asks me a bunch of questions that were in my chart, measures my belly and says “I will send the doctor right in.” Tick, tock, tick, tock …12:58 the doctor comes in. I will say at this point I was ready to cry. I was hungry, had to pee again and my dangling legs were starting to feel like they were falling off. BUT the doctor, though a late ass, was VERY nice. I liked him. He laughed at my dwarf jokes and reminded me a lot of Robin Williams.

“I’ve got it! Nurse, call the Anesthesiologist, this woman needs an enema! “ (what movie is that from?)

Anyway, he told me he doesn’t feel my lungs are adjusting well to the altitude and wants to run some pulmonary tests along with the baby’s echocardiogram. (Matt had a heart issue as a baby.) PLUS, he didn’t want me to go past 38 weeks so my baby would go from being a December baby to a November baby (Thanksgiving week to be exact) unless my lungs or the baby’s heart was an issue then it would be even sooner.

Now it is 1:30pm and I have to schedule the appointments with all the various departments. Why on earth they would have a angry, sweaty, hungry dwarf who is carrying a 75,000 lb baby walk back and forth between floors scheduling and coordinating all these appointments is beyond me. Don’t the flippin’ have telephones?

2:35pm and I am ready to head home. I plan on getting the BIGGEST hamburger from the nearest hamburger place because I am so starving. I retrace my steps and find the parking garage and waddle to my car only to find it….sandwiched in between two SUVs that are so close I cannot squeeze myself let alone a 75,000 lb baby between to open my doors. Tears start falling as I climb into my car via the back hatch door and climb across the car into the driver’s seat.

3:00pm and I leave the parking garage sobbing and head to the highway and a burger place. But guess what? That &^$%#&^$#%^ Spider is still there and is a seriously spinning a web in the corner of my windshield. Which means the ^@%#$#%@$ plans on living there. There will be no stopping anywhere because as an irrational arachnophobe I know that if I stop the spider will attack me and eat the majority of my 75,000 lb baby. So I drive straight home in a terrified, sobby, enraged state of mind. I pull into the garage (the very center, not leaving Matt any space, screw him it is an emergency.) run into the house and collapse on the couch in a crying heap. Yay!

So there you have it, my craptastic day.

P.S. Yesterday, (about a week after the crappy day) I got in the car and drove to my friend Monica’s house. Guess who was back, diving in and out of my car vents? YES, that bitch spider! Before I left her house Monica killed it…I love her! <3

Photo Credit: avlxyz via Compfight cc

One Comment
  1. Jodie, this is one of the funniest damn stories I have heard. As if being preggers and getting around isn’t bad enough on it’s own–the barriers really do become ridiculous. Allow me to give proper homage to the spider. I would have been tempted to pull over and call highway patrol for removal. I have never been one of those “don’t kill it, it could be Charlotte” people. I’m more like take 30 paper towels, squish, and run outside with it. Screaming makes great side effects. I love all of your stories and this is one more great one! xD.

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