I Am Your Mother

I’m your mother, but no I’m not listening. You’re talking in the backseat of the car. I hear you, barely. I’m your mother.

You say my name “Mom? Mom!” I can’t really hear you, not really. But I will always be your mother.

You’re talking more in the backseat of the car, but no. I’m not listening. I’m thinking. The thoughts in my head are talking to me. It’s a conversation about money, it’s a conversation about work. It’s a conversation about love. It’s a question of life.

The thoughts are asking me questions that I don’t have the answers to. I can’t answer them either. And you’re asking me questions from the backseat of the car too and I don’t know! I can’t  answer them. I don’t have the answers. Even though I’m your mother…  I’ll always be your mother.

It’s a red light. Stop! But at the same time, it’s a green arrow pointing to the left. From my peripheral vision, the green is telling me to go.  I’m colorblind and I can’t see the siren red. Not really. My thoughts are giving me a time check. Are we running late? And you’re talking from the backseat of the car.

From the backseat of the car, I hear you. I swear I hear you. I’m your mother. Yes, I hear you. I hear it all. All of it! What? What are you saying? You say “Mommy, did you know?”

I sputter out “What? Do I know what?”

“That I love you.” That’s what you say. That’s what you were saying from the backseat of the car.

“Yes sweetheart. I know that. And I love you too.  Did you know that?”

I’m your mother. I will always be your mother.

Photo Credit: © Julie Anderson All Rights Reserved

  1. Elizabeth

    Yes. From the backseat of the car — and I wish i had more patience. And I wish the chatter would stop. And I know at least I know – that I am out of tune and need to get in sync or Im the one missing out. You have to know you are doing your best at any given moment – if you could do better, you would. This is all. And very blessed me – will always be their mother – even when I screw up – I’m very luckily for me – their mother.

  2. Avatar

    Awww man. There is always so much to be conscious of and at least you are trying to time back in and when you do that is the message. It is only love and life and stress and all of it. This is life. Balancing those responsibilities while remembering we need to tune back in because so much of what drives us wild works itself out in the end. And you will always be their mother and they will always remember loving you from the backseat.

  3. Elizabeth

    It breaks my heart too… that one child is passing through – she’s in the middle – she’s on the cusp – I’ll either get her or I’ll lose her and now is the time. She’s on the brink – she’s 13. And I missed so many opportunities to hear “I love you, Mommy.” I have a second one – and she’s only 5. And I hear her! I swear – I hear her – but the conversation in my head doesn’t include My Little Pony. And I don’t want to tell her but I don’t care that Rainbow Dash is flying in the clouds today. I hear her – because I am her mother and I was the one who could decode her babble when she was 2. When she would rattle off sentences that sounded like a sing songy version of a foreign language – but I knew what she said. I was the only one who understood what she said – my baby… she said -“Mommy. I’m thirsty. Reign is thirsty, Mama! Juice. Juice. Mama.” – it sounded like “Omme. M-sirsee. Main sirsee. Omma! Youss. Youss. Omma.” I was listening carefully. I had to understand her – she needed me to live, to breathe. I wish I was still listening like her life depends on me – because it still does. She’s only 5. She’s only 13. Without them I would never think of money again. I would never think of time again. With out them I would have no reason to think – at all.

  4. Julie Anderson

    This is ME!!! Conversations in my mind about MONEY, WORK … EVERYTHING other than being present. The simple “I love you” from the back seat … that just breaks my heart.

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