Faggot

For the past week, I’ve been spazzing like a two-year old. I’ve been distraught, frantic, and furious. I’ve been wired to the to the point where I can’t sleep; I can’t concentrate at work. I’ve been suffering from overwhelming angst when dealing with everyday life. Because of these traumatic symptoms, I’m tapped out, emptied, and broken. After decades of rolling with the punches, I finally stood-up, lashed out and took a stand for myself: I refused to be labeled a faggot. And the aftermath was brutal.

After reconnecting with an old friend from elementary school, I experienced a divine-like revelation: I can easily trace my insecurities, lack of self-worth and lack of sell-respect all the way back to 5th-grade gym class. It was crystal clear. It was powerful. It was liberating. Because I was skinny, awkward, and unable to hit a baseball or catch a football, the coach made it obvious to all that I wasn’t good enough. Many of the so-called cool kids quickly jumped on board and formed the cool-kid-clique. I was quickly segregated and branded with a new identity I didn’t understand; faggot. With zero resistance from the staff at the school, the bullying began, and the label stuck. I became the subject of gay jokes, sexual innuendos, and cruel torments. Faggot.

By the time I reached middle-school, the intimidation intensified. Not only was I the last person to be picked for the team, which was humiliating enough, but the cool kids would terrorize me daily. I was punched, spit on, and ridiculed. Meanwhile, I justified it; I knew I was different from everyone else. I was caring, sensitive, and openly displayed my emotions. At its worst, I skipped gym class for several weeks to avoid the brutal torments. Eventually, the school caught up with me and sentenced me to outside counseling – solidifying, in my mind, that I was the problem. The bullying was never addressed. Meanwhile, things weren’t much better at home. My older brother waged daily tortures against me with his High School wrestling moves. “Little faggot” was his favorite catch phrase. Faggot.

Although the intimidation finally subsided as I got older, the deep-rooted trauma continued to ring throughout High School, young adulthood and deep into my 40s. To cope, I took pride in a creating a carefully crafted façade. I forged a confident persona, I married the right person, and I successfully established myself in an awesome career. Meanwhile, the long-branded stigma buried itself deeper than ever. Faggot.




In recent years, after becoming acquainted with a group of my wife’s online friends, the familiar intimidation was resurrected all over again. Because I openly classified myself as metrosexual in a public forum, I was once again forced to tolerate gay jokes, sexual innuendos, and cruel torments. I admit, there were times where I openly chummed their brutality at my own expense. I played along, laughed it off, while I valiantly wore my bravest face. After all, they were only teasing, right? Faggot.

Finally, I had enough. Making full use of my powerful, new-found revelation, I finally stood up once and for all and posted the following comment for the world to see:

Although I received support from many, I immediately received a private message directly challenging my unexpected stand:

I don’t believe you should be telling everyone on your friend’s list that someone or someones used a negative epithet when that didn’t happen…it does not give you leave to tell a falsehood about what others did.

Falsehood? I admit I may not have been called me faggot by name. But for me, this was no falsehood. Loud and clear, faggot is what I hear every time a gay stereotype is used at my expense. Faggot. Faggot. FAGGOT.

I quickly replied:

I’ve been thrown under the bus so many times regarding my own sexuality I made a point; I’m sorry my post didn’t meet your standards. After all, it’s my post.

After I had clicked send, the unexpected onslaught of vicious brutality was fired upon me from all angles. The keyboard courage from my combaters was ruthless. Although I deleted, blocked and removed these toxic people from my life, the emotional pain swiftly placed me right back into 5th-grade gym class. Decades of suppressed rage unleashed its wild fury. While I may have finally stood up, kicked, punched, and screamed, the aftershocks of my courage took a huge emotional toll that left me tapped out, emptied, and broken. Faggot.

The raw emotions continue to be painful. I’m still spazzing. I’m still distraught. I’m still frantic and furious. I’m working hard to shed this baggage and the image that has been branded upon me. Meanwhile, I am damaged. Mentally and physically, I am unable to cope on my own. I need support. I need help. I need an advocate.

I finally understand what it means to be a survivor. I must find my footing, pave my way, and mow over the resistance. Even if I’m all alone, I fully intend to fight for my self-worth for as long as it takes.

Faggot. Never again.

1978 @Dave Pacailler All Rights Reserved





Dave Pacailler

After living under a rock for nearly 25 years, Dave had his eyes opened wide to the world in 2010 after marrying his crazy cat lady wife. Intrigued by controversy, culture, lifestyle, current events and history, Dave has traveled to 41 states and a handful of foreign countries. Defined as ‘metro’ by his three kids, you will often find him cleaning the house instead of working out in the yard. In his spare time, Dave likes to write sappy love songs but will be the first to admit that he can’t carry a tune. Living in Florida, Dave endures quite a comedic life with his wife, teenage stepdaughter, five cats and a dog that no one likes.

9 thoughts on “Faggot

  1. Cheri Gowan Reply

    Dave, you are a great man. While I totally understand what you’re saying…does it truly matter what those idiots say? The only people it should master what they think is you and your girl. Easier said than done I realize, but you 2 are amazing. She loves you for who you are. Love yourself and tell those others to f off!!! I think you’re awesome. I think you and Allison are an amazing couple. Stay strong my friend!

  2. My Inner ChickMy Inner Chick Reply

    –Dave,
    those people are NOT your friends,
    and in the end, DO NOT matter a damn.
    The people who love you DO! Your family DO!
    I would suggest that anyone who utilizes the word ( is that a word?) “faggot” should be kicked off your so-called-friend list.
    Those individuals are ignorant, ugly, and stupid!
    Love)))
    From MN.

  3. Susan P. BlevinsSusan P. Blevins Reply

    Here here to everything Stephanie says. Just tell the lot of them to FUCK OFF! Get the anger out, (non violently!) and move through it. It’s the OTHERS who have a problem, not you. Bravo for writing about this. I never cease to be amazed at people’s cruelty. I too was tormented and picked on and bullied ruthlessly as a child, all because I was puny and always sick. I hate to tell you, but it took me FIFTY YEARS to break free from all the bullies in my life. But just let them try and bully me today……….!
    Love
    Susan

  4. Kitt O'MalleyKitt O'Malley Reply

    Horrifying how easily people bully and brutalize. I send you healing hugs. The world would be boring if everyone fit sexual stereotypes. Thank you for being you and sharing your story with us. F*ck those real life and cyber bullies.

  5. Denise Hudson Young Reply

    You are awesome! Take the world by the balls! You show them that David Pacailler is an amazing person. Other men should be jealous of you because you can show your feelings. That is not something that men can do well. You were one of my best friends in elementary school and I am proud to say you are my friend now. I am glad I found you again after all of those years! Love you, Dave!!!!

  6. Dori OwenDori Owen Reply

    I just read this, and I’m vacillating between visceral anger for your childhood friends and love for you for having the courage and BALLS to write this. I’m so moved and impressed I made a meme and tweeted you. I hope you like it. xD.

  7. Tom D Reply

    I feel ya bro, you know that! Word’s can hurt a person more then physical trauma. Bruises to your body heal, but a bruised ego can last a lifetime. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Just remember; all will have to answer for what they did and you are loved! If you read this article, most likely, your not a bully. But if you are, STOP IT!

  8. Stephanie Ortéz Reply

    Bravo Dave for taking a stand for yourself. Folks don’t realize how their cruel snarky remarks damage someone’s self esteem. I remember reading your post and leaving a comment because I got angry myself, how dare they! I always say this to my friends, do not judge your feelings because you have every reason to be angry, ride the wave until all the negative feelings go away. You took a stand, be proud of that.

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