Putting the Fun in My Funeral

However awkward, my wife Allison holds both the lunacy and the skillset to break laws of etiquette – especially when it comes to putting the fun in funeral. Of course, she initially offers up genuine, heartfelt sympathy at the appropriate time and displays rarely-seen seriousness during solemn moments. However, when the service is over, she […]

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I Quit, Bitches!

It is fucking impossible to work with Bethany. Instead of being a team player, she’s an ego-driven, self-serving, arrogant, superficial little floozy. She regularly empowers herself to bulldoze over me by hijacking my responsibilities and compromising my professional reputation. In fact, she purposely intimidates everyone on the team by bullying her conceited self-superiority into their […]

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Am I a Stuck Up Little Bitch?

I just learned I have a reputation as a recluse – a reputation I hate. It’s true, I’m easily intimidated by colleagues and acquaintances who are younger, stronger, braver, more outgoing, better educated and better looking than me. When I feel demoralized – whether it’s real or imagined – I often take refuge in my […]

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I Want Tears

I want tears I want pain I want grief I want shame My hands char from a gentle touch, so effortlessly. Spite me, Condemn me Damage me. Spew your madness upon me. I am not the demon you face. My eyes burn from the black darkness, so easily. Pierce me, Convict me, Impale me. Nurse […]

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Some Days, I’m A Little Bit Psycho

If I suffer from another spazz-fest, I’m gonna slap myself in the face – hard. I am friggin’ sick and tired of dealing with my hyper-sensitive reactions – especially when I’m consciously aware I have an ongoing habit of overreacting to, well, almost anything. Consumed by worry and exhausted from frequent panic attacks, I am […]

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I Won Second Prize in a Beauty Contest and Collected More Than $10

Since the day I could count, my brother and I battled dozens of times in family tournaments of Monopoly. Before each match, he would confront me with his antagonizing, big-brother, I-am-the-boss-of-you tone. “Ready to lose another game of MO-NOP-O-LY, Dave-IT?” Expecting an inescapable wrestling hold if I refused, I gave in to his demands. After […]

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Jacta Alea Est

The other night, after we both took back-to back-potty runs at 1 AM, my wife Alison and I settled back in bed. As I expected, she immediately fell asleep to her usual nightmare of annoyances: grunting, snorting, scratching and drooling. As for me, I was wide awake and deep in thought, which in my mind, […]

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“I Love You, Daddy”

I admit it; it’s true. I’m far too sensitive for a grown man. At any given moment, I could easily find myself whimpering, sniffling or flat-out weeping about something emotional. Besides experiencing unexpected emo-break downs, I often self-induce my emotional triggers, just for fun. To get my fix, I fanatically stalk YouTube to search for […]

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