I’ve been called many things in my life – from dork to hot and everything in between, but when my kids recently called me metrosexual, I had no idea what they were talking about. In fact, I had never heard of the expression.
“Metro-WHAT?” I kept thinking.
Because I had been living under a rock for the past 20 years, I had to rely on the only source I could trust for an accurate, up-to-date definition of this foreign term: UrbanDictionary.com. I read the definition aloud from my computer screen:
Metrosexuality: When a straight guy acts gay.
A guy who:
- Straightens his hair
- Wears designer clothes
- Listens to pop music
- Has a voice a little bit higher than the average male
- You would mistake for gay, but is actually 100% straight
- Gets emotional, easily
- Cries a lot
- Hangs out with girls
- Brags about hanging out with male friends
- Goes to the mall a lot
- Edits pictures on Picnik
My immediate reaction was WTF? I’m not gay. I don’t act gay. I’m certainly not metrosexual. Nope. I called my kids to pick a fight with them about this label they had placed on me.
“I looked up the definition of metrosexual on Urban Dictionary, and I’m not metrosexual!”
“But dad,” said my daughter, “all I have to do is say that I love you, and you cry like a little girl.”
“That’s normal. That does not make me metro,” I rebutted.
Each of my sons expressed similar sentiments.
“You spend more time in the mirror than any girl I know, dad. And the music you listen to, ugh! It makes me throw up in my mouth. And how many guy friends do you have? All of your friends are girls. Oh, and all those selfies.”
“I’m not metro,” I screamed. I was starting to get a bit emotional.
After arguing back and forth some more, I finally gave up. I allowed my kids to think they won this time around. I then studied the Urban Dictionary list again.
“Am I really metro?” I pondered.
To end my kid’s crazy accusations once and for all, I crafted a rebuttal to each point of Urban Dictionary’s definition. I couldn’t wait to share my findings with them:
Your Dad is NOT Metrosexual – he’s a straight guy and does not act gay. Note the facts below:
- Metro guys straighten their hair.
Fine, I spend a lot of time on my hair, and I look in the mirror a couple dozen times a day. I can’t help it if I have great hair.
- Metro guys wear designer clothes.
I certainly do not wear designer clothes; I only wear jeans and t-shirts. Cross that right off the damn list. I can’t afford Burberry Skinny Fit Jeans or Landmark t-shirts. I’ve always been a Walmart shopper silly.
- Metro guys listen to pop music.
So what. Just because I like a FEW songs by One Direction doesn’t automatically make me metro. All guys like at least one song by One Direction don’t they?
- Metro guys have a high-pitched voice.
I do not have a high-pitched voice. It’s only high-pitched when I get emotional. And that’s normal.
- Metro guys are mistaken as being gay.
I’ve never been mistaken for gay. Never. So what if I enjoy hanging out with my male friends who happen to be gay.
- Metro guys get emotional very easily.
Emotional? Fine. But I’m man enough to admit it. It’s completely normal to cry to that song “Butterfly Kisses” and shed a few tears during “The Notebook.” They’re supposed to make you cry. Duh.
- Metro guys cry a lot.
I only cry during valid, emotional moments. See above.
- Metro guys hang out with girls.
I hang out with guys sometimes. Note my answer to number 5 above.
- Metro guys brag about hanging out with male friends
Well, yeah! It’s always cool to hang out with my “Allman Brothers look-a-like neighbor” when we jam together on our electric guitars.
- Metro guys go to the mall a lot.
I went to the mall too many times as a teenager with all my girlfriends. I hate the mall.
- Metro guys edit pictures on Picnik.
I don’t use Picnik. The site closed down on April 19, 2013. I edit all my selfies on my iPhone before I post them to Facebook.
So there you have it – my list of rebuttals.
Clearly, I do not fit Urban Dictionary’s definition of metrosexuality. The only thing about me that might be misunderstood as metrosexual are my housekeeping habits. I readily admit that I’d much rather vacuum the house than mow the yard. I’d spazz if the floors weren’t cleaned my way.
Am I metrosexual? My final answer is “Pfft.”
Photo: ©Dave Pasquel All Rights Reserved