Release Me.

Years spent attempting to destroy myself
Never a break given
Convinced to have done more
Could have screamed
Should have fought harder
Would have known better had I paid closer attention
This hate engulfing me belongs to you
rage encompassing my body
my being
is your burden to carry
I did not commit this egregious act onto myself
No
forced into a situation I had no control
destined to lose
us younger girls
only a few years junior but all the experience a few years makes at 19
lost ourselves in your handsome eyes
Is it odd to call you handsome after you decimated my body?
Dark and rich, full of life and experience my own could match.
I wanted you
Until
True colors flashed a shade of red all too familiar
a dark magic trick
the rage harbored for me
against me
with physical force you proved how much of a man you could be
flashing that shade of red
I fought as much as I dared and unconsciously made a choice to let you have your way
valuing my life over this assault I let you disassemble my spirit and wreck my body
venomous words hauntingly uttered
your mouth moves with instructions I cannot hear
Violently thrust your giant hand into my hair, wrapping strands around
threatened over pain, I wince
other hand on my throat proving who was in charge
You are.
You are in charge.
down to my knees I went protesting as your zipper came with me
music blares outside the walls
drowning out human voices I know are there
No words depart your lips as you stare at me
lost, sunken, disgusting on the bathroom floor
those life-altering moments wear on with all loss of time
Finished, exiting, leaving me to fend for myself with grimy toilet paper.
The need to shower is overwhelming.
I won’t report you we both know this
you are one of the good guys
friends for miles
thousand of girls who wish to date you
I am no one. I am nothing. I am an ex girlfriend.
My body feels exiled and betrayed
protection I have failed to offer
cliché experience, statistically unavoidable,
a nightmare of a past life I am unable to shed.
Why?
Why choose me?
forsakenly certain I’m not the only yet this offers no comfort.
Now
Ten years
ten years of ‘letting’ you silence me
I did no such thing
never gave permission for such an act of violence
this shame I carry is yours, not mine
the fear I harbor belongs to you
I will be able to face the terror you brought to me,
will you ever be able to face yours?
Do you even remember me?
How tormenting it feels for a night that forever changed my life is nothing more than a
college party you attended.
The power you hold over me must lessen
I seek empowerment from the destruction I have so often felt was my crumbling world.
I seek companionship in the constant depths of isolation I was bred.
Release me.
for this brokenness to start healing I have to let that night go
set you and the awfulness free
so I release you
I don’t forgive you but I release my anger towards you
the hate I’ve burrowed against myself I release
it was never mine to hold anyway. I release you. I release myself.
I release me.
I release me.
I release me.
I am stronger than any rage, anger, resentment or act of violence
I release me.

 

 
Photo Credit: Wendelin Jacober Flickr via Compfight cc



Jackie Filer

Jackie Filer is a freelancer in the entertainment world. She works in television, theatre and film in a multitude of aspects; covering any ground that needs to be covered. New York has laid a stake in her and Jackie now calls the city home. Any spare time she has you will find her drinking wine with her girls or on the top of a mountain discovering new perspectives on life.

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