I’ve always been one to worry about tomorrow. Obsess perhaps is a better word.
Will I be safe, loved, have a roof over my head?
Will the people I love be right here, near me?
It’s ridiculous, everything has a beginning and end, and yet excuse me for my up all night preoccupations.
I have never been even close to homeless, or without love. I’ve had my share of shitty relationships, but I’ve always learned something hard, buried deep inside the muscle. Like not to worry about assholes, narcissists, or disinterested people who take up your precious time.That lesson, I’ve worked hard to let go of and not worry about. To not give them a second thought.
I don’t believe we need a partner to be happy, and yet I watch sappy romance movies and cheer on the couples.
Am I a liar? Aren’t we all, a little bit?
I have abundance; an over-abundance of loved ones in my life. I’m a loner too, which is non-sensical perhaps for someone who is afraid to be left alone with their thoughts.
Life is so fucking complicated.
We live these moments that are so beautiful, heart happy and perfectly timed, everything feels amazing until the clock tick tocks and the moments change. Sometimes challenging the core, becoming ugly, uglier and unhappy memories at times. Time is a bastard that doesn’t discriminate. To stay immersed inside the happy bubble, now wouldn’t that be grand?
Maybe my skin isn’t thick enough. Maybe I should try to slow down and just be. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe.
I meditate, practice deep breathing, and pray for calm. Zen can’t exist without chaos.
The earth is churning, and burning. I don’t believe there is one soul that has not lived the ups, and the downs. Nope. Not one. If there is, they are one lucky bastard. Maybe they threw away their watch, clock, and smartphone, or forgot how to tell time. Maybe time makes them joyful, and they’re counting down the minutes, the seconds until they are reunited with a loved one, a long-awaited birth, marriage, honeymoon, or they find that perfect fit job. I don’t know what makes humans tick; worrying about them too would make me bonkers.
Zen happens. It can happen, some people have more serenity and worry less. The balance is always way off kilter.
When I’m unsure, I go to the water.
Submersing myself under the calm blue tidal pool. There is no sound; I am weightless and free. My muscles don’t ache, I feel lighter than on solid ground.