Male confessions: When Your Penis Does the Thinking for You…

Information About Guys …

I had a call from an old friend I used to run with years ago. He’s about 20 years younger than I am. One of those guys who looks very innocent, but is actually a bit of a devil. I was old enough to know better, but he was such good entertainment I just couldn’t help myself. These are my observations based on time spent tooling around with him. … He would just sit there, minding his own business. Women of somewhat questionable morals, usually about 10 years his senior were attracted like bees to honey.

Wow. Our peckers sure can get us into some trouble. Just when we think we’re in total control of things he up and does something totally stupid. Dude. Come on. What were you thinking?

As I’m writing this nonsense, my dog is licking his. I tell him to stop. It’s annoying. He just wags his tail and gives me that “What?” look and smiles. For him, life is very simple.

As men go through life, this is a constant issue. We try to make decisions based on logic and good judgment, but somehow, he always gets involved. It’s distracting and a good part of the time, embarrassing. Then when you try to talk sense into the ole weenie, he just winks at you.

You can be in a totally respectable social situation, in polite company, having normal conversation, and he’ll start whispering in your ear.

“Hey, hey hey hey. Pay attention. Did you see that?” And we’re like “Dude, stop it. Go back to sleep.”

Then you have to make yourself think of your poor dead grandmother. But then as soon as you stop, he’s back again.

Then, get a few drinks in you and he’s doing backflips down the street and swinging from the rafters. What the hell? He’ll make you tell stories and start looking for doors with locks and checking the structural integrity of sinks in bars. He’ll start whispering Wayne Gretzky quotes—“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Stuff like that. He’s running pretty much 50/50 odds of success at this point.

Then there’s a line waiting to get into the ladies room and they’re all standing there tapping their feet and bitching. And then you walk out, and they all look like they just stepped in something fresh and throwing ice cubes at you. Somehow, the sink has separated from the wall. Then the guys start hooting and high-fiving. He’s good for now, but you’re kind of horrified about what you did and the fake name and phone number you wrote on the cocktail napkin.

The next day you look in the mirror. You look like warmed-over shit and you tell yourself you are never, ever going to do something like that again. Never, never, never. Then he starts whispering again …

Photo Credit: Carlos Morais da Silva via Compfight cc

Bert Woodson

Bert Woodson currently lives on Florida’s Gulf Coast in Cortez, with his Rhodesian Ridgeback, Colt, and Colt’s kitty Woof. (Yes, he named him.)

  1. Bert Woodson

    Thanks Julie! I try to help where I can… “heads-up”… I just caught that. Shaking my head and chuckling here.

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