Lust. Dating. Romance. Love. (Sprinkle sex in between or at the beginning,)
We all need companionship. Most of us start looking for love when our hormones peak during the goofy years of teendom. Who we end up with, casually or for the long haul, depends on what we believe we deserve.
I kid you not. The jerk that you just broke up with was your boyfriend for a reason. Maybe you have unresolved daddy issues. Maybe your mother was a narcissist. Perhaps you have never looked at your relationships in this way; please indulge my two cents.
For the record, my background of all things relating to the opposite sex is at times mortifying as well as mystifying. If I close my eyes and reflect on my past dalliances, the image that floats to the surface is gruesome.
I have lost count of how many lovers I have had. I have lost count of how many times I uttered nauseating words along the lines of, “You are the only one for me.”
I have lost count of how many times I have heard “You are the only one for me.”
Add to that: risk-taking, i.e., unprotected sex, unpredictable passion, and plain crazy last minute trips to be by my most current lover’s side, the picture becomes not only disgraceful but puke worthy.
I am lucky to be alive and STD free. Certainly not a saint, definitely a sinner am I.
That said, after calming down, with the help of my nonexistent libido I have had time to reflect on all of that exchanged saliva, and I now know that everything came to pass because of my self-esteem issues.
A few decades and three kids later, reflection sneaks up on me in the midst of my dreams. I continue to try and make sense of the nonsensical, and I continue to try and rectify my past transgressions. Some things are harder to release than others. In my opinion, those are the very things that must be magnified and mulled over at least a thousand times.
Like most parents, I tend to helicopter around my kids with life preservers strapped to my side. My wisdom is not spared, and it certainly is not for the faint of heart.
I have lost count of how many times I have heard;
“You just don’t understand.”
“Well you did it, why can’t I?”
And my favorite line of all-
“No, you can’t meet my friend. You are too intense, and I know you will say something embarrassing.”
What is so uncomfortable about asking up front what smarmy dude’s intentions are? And why shouldn’t we all have a nice cozy chat about the value of condoms? So sorry that I don’t know and need an explanation for the latest sexual trends – do you know what being gender fluid means? What it really means??
Back to my point
Why do we date certain people? Why do we fall in love with (or date, screw, lust over) someone who will let us down and trample our tender hearts firmly in the dirt? As I mentioned before, it is ultimately about our sense of self-worth, our self-esteem.
I dedicate the following pearls of wisdom not only to my kids (who let’s face it don’t give a toss about my opinion) but to all of humanity (young and old, gay, straight, in-between, nongender specific … what have you).
The senseless waste of our most valuable commodity, our love, needs to stop. In turn, we will save time and money spent in the therapist office and/or the following: abortion clinics, blood clinics, lingerie store, sex shops, restaurants, in bars, hotel rooms (chic & seedy), on Tinder, match.com, in chat rooms, blah blah blah.
Yes, all of the tips below come from the relationship carnage I mentioned above.
(Please, do what I say, not what I have done.)
5 Questions to Ask Yourself to Decipher the Worthiness of a New Partner:
1. Does your sweetheart consider your feelings?
If so, does your partner RESPECT your feelings? I mean in all ways. If not – MOVE ON.
2. Does your significant other display risk-taking behavior?
(I know, it’s exciting. Been there, done that.) If so in what way? If it involves risk taking with sex, drugs, money and driving over the speed limit, DUMP and MOVE ON. Exciting is only exciting while alive, know what I mean?
3. Does your steady speak to you in a loving way?
Loving as in a kind, uplifting, gracious way. If not, why stay? Remember, you get what you ask for. When you tolerate verbal nonsense and hateful words, you are giving permission to the offender. Leave, let the smoke from your running shoes melt that nitwits eyes.
4. Does your paramour make an effort to delight you?
It does not have to be a materialistic effort mind you; It is the thought that counts. Along the lines of, respecting your space, cleaning up after themselves, lending a helping hand, and, most importantly, providing you with a “listening ear.” If not, well you know what to do. Why you might ask, should you consider this type of relationship cesspool material? Because my darling, if none of the above is included in your daily repertoire, you are dating a Class A Narcissist. RUN, don’t walk.
5. Does your companion say things like I can’t live without you or I have never met someone like you or Do it for me?
I could go on for days with the various deviations of this kind of claptrap. The point is, it is BULLSHIT. GO. Do not stop. Why? Well, why on Earth would you want to spend time with a fulsome individual?
Now listen up, this is what you need to remember; I want you to write this down and tape it to your forehead:
I will only give my heart to someone that values themselves. I know that I am with someone that has healthy self-esteem, they will not dump bags of moldy emotions in my lap. (I don’t need more baggage, I already have what my parents gave me.) I will do this because I know that I am worthy of loving kindness and respect.
I VALUE MYSELF, today, tomorrow and forever. Because I love myself. I will attract what I deserve, which happens to be a healthy happy (i.e., stable) individual with his/her head screwed on right.