I never thought of myself as a survivor / just in the wrong place at the wrong time / don’t get in an elevator with someone who makes you uncomfortable, just take the stairs

his first kiss, my first sexual assault / go home smelling like the teenager I never was / like ferment, like July, like sin / my doctor asks if I’m sexually active and I say no / she says I didn’t think so / I didn’t think so either

my first boyfriend did things like drive 90 mph on I-80 / said want me to do it with my eyes closed? / my first boyfriend did things like fuck me anyway when I lied about a headache / so I learned ceiling patterns / counted the slats in the Venetian blinds / want me to do it with my eyes closed?

the first time a man who isn’t my father hits me it’s because I won’t say that I love him during a one-night stand / or maybe that wasn’t the first time / maybe the first time was when a man says makes me wonder what your childhood was like when I tell him it’s okay to hit me during sex / he slaps me so hard that I see white / but I don’t use the safeword

the first time with an older man is in a fast food parking lot/ stomach swollen with silicone chicken, body trembles like cartoon jello mold always about to fall / insert laugh track / I don’t want this but he calls me so sexy so beautiful so gorgeous / so I pretend to want this

the first time I’m a victim, I say that I’m not / I say that it’s all just a misunderstanding

I never thought of myself as a survivor / I am over fifty percent star tissue scar tissue / I call it self-destruction

Photo Credit: Guilherme Yagui Flickr via Compfight cc

Rebecca Kokitus

Rebecca Kokitus is a part time resident of Media, PA which is just outside of Philadelphia, and a part time of a small town in rural Schuylkill County, PA. She is an aspiring poet and is currently an undergraduate in the writing program at West Chester University of Pennsylvania. More of her writing can be found in Rag Queen Periodical and Spider Mirror Journal among other places. She tweets @rxbxcca_anna

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