I see the morning light coming through the window.
I roll over, not wanting to get up.
Not wanting to face another day,
just like the last.
How do I go on?
Why do I go on?
Everyone seems to be fine, seems to be moving forward.
But I’m not.
I am alone,
I have chosen it to be that way.
I don’t want to share stories, I don’t want to listen to their small talk.
I want to be whole. I want to feel alive. I want to care again.
I want to be me.
The Me that could laugh,
feel the sun on her face and enjoy the enchantment of life.
But I’m not,
I don’t even know who that person is anymore.
How was I ever her?
How did I ever live like that…
maybe I never did.
Maybe it was a mask that I unknowingly threw on for the world,
preparing myself for now…
my new reality.
But now there is no mask,
now there is only me.
The uncertain smile I present to the world.
The world that doesn’t want to see my cracks,
my emotional imperfections,
or the pain on my broken,
tear stained face.
“Be a good girl and smile. You don’t look pretty when you’re sad”
Hide it away they tell me.
try to be happy.
But what do they know about me?
About walking in my shoes?
They only know what I’ve shown them, what I’ve allowed them to see.
So again I will fake it.
I will smile and go through my day.
Hoping my new mask doesn’t slip
Hoping that maybe tomorrow is the day it all changes.
Hoping that I can somehow learn to be the person I was before.
Before the darkness.
Before I lost me.