I recently reconnected with my “it’s complicated” after a falling out.
This was a mistake. But my rationale was, he had recently broken up with his college-aged girlfriend, and I felt like it was a good time to have the talk we never had after our falling out.
My conscious mind told me that this would be good. We would talk and circle back to being in a good space again.
Not surprisingly, my subconscious mind hoped that this time, we would finally agree to give a real relationship a try.
When we finally got together, I was so blinded by having him by my side, I didn’t even realize, that nothing had changed between us. Nothing.
You see I was always his side-chick.
He was never going to speak his truth to me. The only thing that did hold his truth was his phone, which he always kept strapped to his side whenever he was in my presence. That phone would reveal the truth that he loved someone else, he would never have the courage to love me.
When he thought I had fallen asleep, he would rustle awake to check his phone for a message from his ex-girlfriend who had recently stopped speaking to him. He admitted that he had texted her over and over again hoping that he would finally get a response.
While he was with me, he was thinking about her.
That has always been our story; he’s always been thinking about someone else. He was never thinking about us.
His admission that he was chasing after his ex-girlfriend was so striking to me. I mean he never chased me, ever. I was lucky to get a text back. And the acknowledgment that he was frantically running after this girl shocked and hurt me like a swift slap in the face.
He let me run away at least four times. He didn’t follow me because he knew I would always turn around. The final blow was when I discovered his Instagram.
On his profile, he shared a link to the Kenney Chesney video, “On the coast of somewhere beautiful.”
Have you heard the song?
Well, let me just give you a quick snippet of the lyrics- “She’s on the coast of somewhere beautiful, Runnin’ with my heart.”
Hmm. Wow, that song is not about me!
I’ve been standing here, with my hands outstretched for five years, begging him to give me his heart. Nope, that song is definitely NOT about me; that song is about someone else—someone who doesn’t apparently scare him like I do.
So here is my public service announcement for all the women out there waiting for someone they love to give them a chance; don’t make the mistake I did, don’t waste five years of your life, like I did.
Get moving. And stay moving forward, do not turn back to see if things have “changed.”
To all the girls out there who didn’t break his heart and desperately stood by waiting for the chance to pick up the pieces: You deserve better.
And by the way, if you are not someone’s first choice, then being the second choice automatically makes you a loser.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that you can’t make people change. You can’t lose weight, dye your hair, change your wardrobe or pretend to like the same things he does, in the hopes of having an affect on the beau you are running after.
It won’t make him change his feelings about you.
The reason he doesn’t have feelings strong enough for you; one that makes him pull the trigger and commit to you as his girlfriend could be one of these two reasons:
First, there isn’t a spark. When you are in his presence he doesn’t feel that buzz, that electric pull of attraction; you don’t stir something inside him. He just feels like you are someone who he can make do with for the time being.
Or second, you scare him. You make him feel something in himself that he is not ready to recognize. You are too smart and driven, and he is not used to being around a woman like that.
He cannot control you; you don’t need him to take care of you. When he puts his hand out to help you, you push it aside. He is not ready to commit to a woman who will be his equal partner in life. He is comfortable being with someone he can take care of, a “yes” girl.
Now girls, if you believe you fall into the latter category, don’t trick yourself into believing he will get over being afraid of you. It’s actually worse to be in this category because it is very tempting to think “someday you will have a chance.”
Nope, sorry get it moving.
Nobody has time to wait around for someone to change their mind. And the probability of that actually happening is slim, most men will never figure it out; at least mine didn’t.
You were probably his biggest cheerleader. You probably were brave and loving and charming for him, in the hopes that he would see what an amazing girlfriend you would be. Well yes, you will make an amazing girlfriend. But sorry ladies not for him, he doesn’t deserve you.
How unfair is it that you are on the sidelines always cheering for him and screaming his name. But when he looks up into the crowd for support, he looks right past you—searching for another face, another voice.
One other thing to think about: You have no influence on the timing of when you both met.
Maybe you met him when he had a girlfriend, maybe when you were about to move away; whatever the reason you met when the timing wasn’t right.
Well, that fricking sucks, but such is life.
There is a reason you met that person at the time you did. Don’t disillusion yourself into thinking: “if you had met at a different time in your lives’ it would’ve been different.”
Well, you didn’t and so that is your story.
I met someone when he had a girlfriend. I waited patiently until he didn’t have a girlfriend anymore. I waited on the sidelines hoping he would put me in the game. Well, a funny thing happened. He became single and still didn’t pick me. He picked another girl, who came out of nowhere and passed me.
Ouch! If you were meant to be together the timing of your introduction would have no effect on the outcome of your relationship. And I know it is very cliché, but people really do come in and out of your life for a reason. Only a handful of those people are meant to stay.
So this is my way of saying, know your worth.
If my experiences can help someone else move on a little sooner than I did, then this is my way of paying it forward. Speak your truth and tell your man how you feel. If he looks at you with blank eyes, dodges the question or displays any of the behavior above, he is never going to give you his heart.
It is time to get moving.
There is nothing worse in life than time wasted because you will never get it back. By allowing the wrong person to occupy your heart you are consciously and subconsciously blocking anyone else from entering it.
The sooner you can serve the eviction notice to that person, the more likely you are to have someone who deserves you walk across your path.
Believe me, I am much better at giving advice than taking it. But think about it. Slowly come to terms with your reality and realize being the girl who didn’t break his heart is not the person you want to be, it’s not the relationship you want to remember.
It’s time to move on.