I Gave Her the Fall

The passing of time is something I ponder about often. Concepts of time travel a favorite of the fantasy genre. Being able to travel through time is an appealing idea. I think we all are aware that experiencing something, whatever it is, alters us.

Time traveling is interpreted many different ways. Certain times of the year earmarks the something of importance and influences often how we enjoy it. Pumpkins in the fall. Beach trips in the summer. November is for Thanksgiving and December is the grand finale of it all.

For me, once August hits it’s a whirlwind that eventually calms down in late February. The fall is one that’s loved by many. The air gets crisper. A sense of magic creeps into our minds. Cinnamon heavy desserts and stews warm us. The start of the school year. The beginning of the holiday season.

As of four years ago, the fall became something more to me.

The fall was when I met my best friend but had no idea what that smiling, freckled face would mean to me. The fall was when it was clear we were joined at the hip and would be cute old ladies together.

The fall is when I lost her.

The thing about memories is that they are always there even when we don’t focus on them. Like the air, pieces of our past, the parts that helped build for worse or for better, are all around us.

The smell of a candle. A certain show. The warmth of her smile. I carry it all with me.

Every memory comes with a choice: lean into it or fight it. Pain is part of joy the way our arms and legs are part of our bodies. Keeping out the pain prevents the joy from seeping in.

There are times it feels easier to block it out. To carry on as if life is the same. I’m not the same. I’ll never be who I was before I met her, before I lost her.

I put 3,000 miles between me and my childhood when I was nineteen. There’s a lot of people I left behind—an unfortunate side effect of a necessary act. Some need space from their demons to learn who they are.

The Early years of parenthood in a new city made the lack of roots obvious. Meeting people as an adult is so different than when we’re young. It’s just harder. Emotional walls are already built. Adulthood is filled to brim with time-consuming responsibilities where as time dragged with open gaps during youth—at least it did for me.

I was lucky enough to meet someone who transported me into simpler moments. Longs talks at the park long after the sun had set. Endless streams of text messages. What’s better than a best friend in your pocket carrying out the day?

When that wasn’t good enough, it took under four minutes to drive to her house. It was one those relationships where you feel as if you’ve known that person your entire life and the times before.

I choose to bring those perfect moments with me, to fold them into the things I love about the fall. I will picture her bubble vest and Seahawks beanie. I will think about her while watching scary movies on Halloween. I will think about our coffees on rainy mornings.

I will give her the fall.


Photo Credit: David Paul Ohmer via Compfight cc

Jayme Beddingfield

Jayme Beddingfield is the host and producer of 'Too Many Words' a comedy interview podcast. She is also the creator of 'Elliot Granger and The Clueless Brigade', which is a weekly serial that follows Elliot Granger as she stumbles through grief and growing up. The series is featured as both a fictional podcast and written story that appears on The Scribbler. Jayme has been crafting stories since her third-grade assignment to write her own fairy tale. She prefers to work from the sofa with her dogs by her feet. Originally from Northern New Jersey, she now lives in Seattle, the city of her dreams. She lives with her husband, two children, and a slew of adopted pets. She is completely post-apocalyptic obsessed and also admits to being an audio enthusiast and recovering supervillain.

  1. Avatar

    Jayme I’m so glad you joined the FC. I love your writing. I just get lost I your articles, as if a storyteller is telling me an amazing tale and I can’t look away until I hear the end. I think your bestie would have loved this, and that you’re giving her the Fall. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  2. Dori Owen

    So poignant, Jayme, tore my heart right out. It’s so, so hard to find friends like that. The forever ones. The I’ve known you always even though I haven’t. The ones who listen to the mundane as interested as the little celebrations. I will hug my very few friends a little tighter. How perfect you gave her the Fall. xD.

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