“…a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
– Ephesians 5:31
“Sometimes, a man still needs his mom.”
– Dave Pacailler, November 2016
At 81 years old, my mother is the epitome of old-school tradition. She goes to church regularly, meets for tea with her unadventurous church-lady friends, and would never, ever utter a swear word – even if she was pissed.
In fact, while I was growing up, the word pregnant was considered profane.
To her credit (or not, depending on how you look at it) I’m certain that Mom was no Jenny From the Block. In fact, I doubt she’s ever made it past the front door. Nevertheless, I can’t complain. To this very day, Mom has been my rock and safe place.
Sure, my wife is awesome and will fiercely defend me if I choose to unleash her, but Mom, well, sometimes a man still needs his mom. And I admit, one of the reasons I still need my mom is to simply take pleasure in my own entertainment. And oddly enough, Mom enjoys it too.
Let me explain.
In recent years, I’ve worked tirelessly to entice Mom to gently ease her out of her hyper-conservative bubble-like comfort zone.
Equipped with a vast supply of pop culture and a big screen TV, I’ve sat her down on numerous occasions with a focused mission to educate her with a basic, working knowledge of cutting-edge 21st-century chic.
“Being educated in today’s trends will give you the edge, and you’ll appear more cultured Mom,” I explained to her convincingly.
Either Mom was blindly gullible, felt desperate to keep up with the Joneses or wanted something new to discuss with her tea-drinking lady-friends, she agreed readily.
While she may have been a bit nervous, I was ecstatic!
For starters, I thought I’d keep it tame. I presented her with the video of the massive worldwide hit song Gangnam Style. Using small words and a soft tone, I gently justified why this song and video were a huge phenomenon.
“You’ll be the life of your tea party Mom if you saw this video even once,” I enticed her.
I did my best to explain why it received 2.7 billion views on YouTube. (A billion has nine zeros, Mom. Yes, nine). After it was over, I assured her that more one view was required to build upon her new-fangled sophistication.
“After all, Gangnam Style is the spawn of Frank Sinatra,” I told her.
Next on the playlist was the video Anaconda, by Nicki Minaj. (Yes, the explicit lyric version).
Throughout the video, Mom kept saying “I don’t understand this, I’m confused” while my 91-year-old stepfather gawked at the big-screen erotic-lewdness in stunned silence.
Clearly, he wasn’t confused at all.
After I had played it again, I explained the ancestry of Anaconda:
“This song can easily be traced back to the big-band era of your day,” I said.
In the end, my stepfather had no problem agreeing to my alleged origins of this Number One ditty and effortlessly likened it to the sounds of Benny Goodman.
“Good stuff,” he said approvingly.
Mom, on the other hand, was less than enthused. I spent the next hour explaining that the lyrics (Oh my gosh, look at her butt!) were not X-rated but merely PG-13.
“You’re a few years above the age limit, Mom. You’re all good”, I assured her.
Recently, Mom was enlightened, she learned the definition of a word she’s never heard before; dildo. And believe it or not, I wasn’t involved with this latest stunt. The guilty one was my brother-in-law, the family comedian.
He’s also the family chef, and during a recent Thanksgiving visit, my wife and I were provided a handwritten grocery list that included typical holiday groceries as well as a few additional non-grocery items that included (wait for it…) a 12” dildo.
To keep the comedy going, my wife promptly posted a pic of his R-rated grocery list to Facebook for all to see – including my Mom. Even at 81, Mom is well-versed using Facebook and keeps up with her news feed regularly.
It wasn’t until later that I learned that she read the image of the grocery list out loud to my stepfather, asking “What’s a dildo?”
Thankfully, mom learned the definition before she stepped into the local Publix grocery store and asked the clerk where the dildo aisle is.
Yeah, a man must leave his father and mother, and stick to his wife…whatever.
But in the end, a man still needs his Mom.
So, thanks, Mom, for providing me with hours of entertainment.
And thank you, Mom, for always being there for me.
Thank you for always answering the phone.
Thank you for lending me your ear, your time, and your money.
There are some things I can never pay back.
But most of all, thank you for always, and I mean always, being a good sport.
That is priceless.
Photo: ©Dave Pasquel All Rights Reserved